Slot Systems

I'm going back to InterCasino.com again. I know it's irrational, but I figure I'm due at their casino.

Besides, this is practically a continuation of yesterday's session. Yesterday, I played the Pattern System 3 coin method. Today, I play the 5 coin version.

What's the difference, you ask?

Well, the maximum bet today is five coins. Care to guess what yesterday's maximum was?

Actually, I may have bet 4 coins once. But that was a mistake, or out of frustration or something.

Yesterday sucked.

I chose four more games to play today. This time, I decided to go with 9 Line Slots. The games I played are Mr. Rich, Jade Idol, Cool Bananas and The Oracle.

I wanted to play Lucky Lady, but it just didn't work out. The download didn't work so well. But there's always next time.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I was checking out John Patrick's gambling forum today. That stuff is a trip. John was telling some guy that he wasn't playing the systems just right. Apparently, the reason the guy lost money at craps was 'cause he didn't follow every single step.

Like those rolls would have been completely different if he had bet 3 chips instead of 4.

That stuff slays me. Check it out sometime.

My final Pattern session was on the Salsa rapid fire slots.

I liked the look of this one. It seemed to have a vibrant latin beat to it.

The latina who represented "salsa" was alluring. There were other south-of-the-border images, like cactus and Tecate and burros. There was even a friendly, smiling fellow with one of those "Mexican" hats I don't know the name of. And no, I'm not talking about a sombrero.

I hoped my trip to the land of salsa would change my luck. no, No, NO! I lost again.

This was another 15 pull session, right about the same length as all the sessions today. I won 6 of my 15 pulls, and even came away with $4, $5 and $8 wins. But I was losing big money any other time I clicked on spin.

Today just sucked. Now I know why I took a hiatus from slot machines. I'm learning a lot about slots systems, but mostly I'm learning they don't do squat if you don't hit a jackpot.

One other thing made me grumpy about today. My computer was running real slow for some reason, so my losses were especially excruciating. I'm on high speed, but the games played like I was on dial-up. I'm assuming the problem was on my end and had nothing to do with Intercasino.com.

Intercasino has been good to me in the past, and I love playing internet poker in their rooms. That's how I have the money to squander on the "science" of slots.

So in summary, the Pattern was broken. But hope springs eternal. The next sessions will be John Patrick's Pattern 5-Coin variation.

That's when we get to play aggressive slots.

Starting Money: $389.77 Ending Money: $356.67

LOSING SESSION

I tried the Sirens video slot machine game for my third session. Allow me to complain.

The intro picture for Sirens was a picture of three hot women--a blonde and two brunettes. One of the brunettes looked like Kate Beckinsale. I thought to myself, "If that's the intro, what's inside should be mighty interesting."

Hey, I was a half dozen pulls in before I saw any of the sirens. Mostly, I saw some dude with a Roman looking haircut and a goatee more than I saw the sirens. Most of the rest of the images were poker ranks, both numbers and face cards.

Man, that's a lame slot machine cartoon. If I owned a company that made slots themes, I would make a rule where none of my slots cartoon would have "numbers". I mean, let's just take the easy way out. We might as well have the Sesame Street slots game, where all you have are letters--and maybe one Big Bird or something.

Anyway, maybe I'm just bitter because I had another losing session.

The Sirens session had 13 pulls with 3 wins. The wins included $3, $4.50 and $2.50 wins. But I was losing $.50, $1.25 and $5.00 at a pop. So I ended up losing nearly thirty bucks on this session.

I'm ready to go back to "grinding out a lot of small wins". Oh, that's right. That never happened, either.

I have a problem here, John Patrick.

Starting Money: $423.42 Ending Money: $389.77

LOSING SESSION

For my second slots session of the day at intercasino.com, I tried Dr. Love.

I would assume Dr. Love is the big grin-wearing blonde cartoon dude. The game seems to imply he's a real ladies' man.

Dr. Love is full of tokens of affection, as well as the good-looking dark-haired nurse. For some reason, the images contain a stopwatch. I guess Dr. Love is tired of waiting for a reply, or perhaps the nurse is supposed to time the doctor while he performs some task.

I decided to rein in the bets a little on Dr. Love. My pattern would be 1-1-2-2-3-3, a pattern suggested by John Patrick himself. But my bets would be in $0.05 increments, meaning all my bets would be half what they were on the last session.

Actually, that was a good idea, because this session was more of the same.

Session #2 lasted 18 pulls. Of those, I "won" on 5 of them, for a total of $3.30 winnings. Unfortunately, I lost a whole lot of $2.25 bets, too.

They say unlucky in love, lucky at cards. If that can apply to gambling in general, it looks like Dr. Love was unlucky in both.

Starting Money: $441.72 Ending Money: $423.42

LOSING SESSION

Entering InterCasino, the first game which struck my fancy was Dick Danger.

Dick Danger is just a damned odd slots game. Apparently, Dick Danger is a private investigator. But Dick is no normal P.I. Dick is nothing but a giant eyeball wearing a fedora and a trench coat.

Yeah, he's a giant eyeball. What an idea. It's like Nikolai Gogol decided to write a Phillip Marlowe novel or something.

But for the record, I wouldn't call Dick Danger two-fisted. I mean, there's nothing to him but what I just described.

And I have to ask, is this guy supposed to be some thinly-veiled sexual innuendo? The one-eyed monster named "Dick"? I'll let my readers decide, but I'm keeping my distance from this fellow.

The other imagery was different, too. Apparently, Dick Danger's enemy is a fish in a zute suit smoking a cigar. There's also a coffee mug that looks like a shrunken voodoo skull.

I'm telling you. Whoever created Dick Danger was on some serious ganja, is my guess.

The slot machine game had a cool femme fatale, though. She was a raven-haired beauty with a widows peak, heavy eye-liner and a cigarette holder. She looked like the sophisticated and slutty type.

Sophisticated and slutty works for me. All those detective movies have to have a woman like that in them.

As for the session, I began with the normal naked pull and loss limits in place. My first pattern would be 1-1-1-2-2-2-3-3-3 over and over. With dime slots and 9 lines, the bets ended up being first $0.90, then $2.25 and finally $5.00.

I started out with a $10.20 win on the first pull. From there, I lost huge.

I finished with 15 pulls, collecting four wins. But the other three wins only equaled $1.10, so the last fourteen clicks on the button pretty much lost money for me every time.

Guess what? I started off with another losing session.

I should have known I couldn't depend on Dick Danger.

Starting Money: $464.77 Ending Money: $441.72

LOSING SESSION

I haven't posted in a little while. I decided to dwell on my early slot systems sessions. Also, I figured I would play online poker for a while and make up some of the money I seem to be losing on my slots experiments.

I'm happy to boast that I've refilled my coffers. With that in mind, I'm ready for another experiment. Let's make some money.

For those new to the game, let me give a recap. I decided to test out as many different slot systems as possible, to see if they work or not. The experts sell their ideas as golden. But I prefer to test out these theories with real experiments.

I have nothing to peddle here. I'm just going to share my experiences with the gambling world, or at least with my readers out there. Hopefully, I'll learn a thing or two about slot machines--or at least win a lot of money.

That hasn't happened so far. Still, I plow ahead.

My plow is still pointed directly at John Patrick.

Yes, yes, my seeming obsession with John Patrick is still in place. Now, let me say. I have no personal axe to grind with John Patrick, but he's got 25 slots systems, so I figure I'll be testing them for a while. I'm about one-third of the way through John's systems.

You might say my spotlight on Mr. Patrick is something of a badge of honor. We've got to know one another. I like to think we have a grudging respect for one another, too. If John were here, I'd buy him a drink.

As for the latest sessions, I'm trying out the Pattern Method today.

The Pattern Method establishes a set pattern of bets, which you don't deviate from no matter what. This teaches you discipline, and forces you to bet wisely. The author also claims it is a little more aggressive than what's come before.

I like aggressive. It's time to kick some ass.

I'm back in InterCasino today. There are plenty of games left there for me to play. The ones I chose today are Dick Danger, Dr. Love, Sirens and Salsa.

I chose these because each of them included a cartoon picture of some hot chick. That's how I choose slots games sometimes. That's just how I roll.

Here's a great funny little test put on my the nice folks over at Big Empire. They conducted a scientific and rigorous test of the slot machine payouts at various casinos in Vegas. And they did it by playing one, and exactly one, nickel in each machine, for one, and exactly one, spin of the reels. I bring this page to you as a public service, because no slot player should be without this information:

Nickel Slots Payout Percentage Test

Funny stuff!

I added several new sites to the "Slots Sites" section over on the left today, for your amusement and edification. All the sites listed there are high quality and full of rich, slot machine related content for you to read. Just remember where you heard about them, and don't forget to visit here often, because I've got a lot of big plans for the Slot Systems blog coming up really soon.

I'll be reviewing a couple of slot machine books in the next week or two, as well as continuing to experiment with various slot machine systems and recording my results here for posterity. The two books I'll be reviewing are titled Beat the Slots and Slot Smarts.

For those who don't want to do the math, I thought I would give a status report on my slot machine sessions so far.

I have run 26 sessions on 6 of John Patrick's slot methods. Of those 26 sessions, 7 have been winners and 19 have been losers.

The one good thing is that my winning sessions have tended to outweigh my losers. So it has come close to evening out.

I have won $201.30 on my winning sessions. I have lost $296.55 on my losing sessions. So I am down $95.25 from where I started.

That is with my one screwed up $70.45 loss thrown in. That session broke most of John Patrick's money management rules. So it can't really be blamed on him.

(For those just joining us, one session I hit the wrong button and was betting 100 times what I thought I was betting. I ended up losing $70 instead before I realized my mistake.)

In fact, I was on a 60% loss limit on those sessions, so I should have walked away when I was down $15.

So if you factor out the extra $55 I lost on that session, I would only be down about 40 bucks.

The standard negative expectation at slots hovers around 90%, maybe a litte under. On average, online casinos, which have a lower overhead, have a negative expectation closer to 94%.

Since I estimate that I've wagered around $500 during my slots sessions, my negative expectation should be around $30.

Therefore, if you take out my $55 screwup, I am down about $40. That means I'm within ten dollars of my negative expectation.

So there you have it.

That's probably a good indication of what to expect from slots money management systems.

All in all, money management isn't going to beat the house edge. No matter how you arrange your bets, you are going to have a negative expectation. You have to beat the odds if you are going to take home a profit from a slot machine.

You don't need me to tell you that, though. Logic will tell you that.

But you know, my one screwed up session might actually show the value of a money management system.

The one time I diverted from John Patrick's system and bet larger than I originally intended, my bank account took a big hit. If you follow a money management scheme rigidly, you will never lose more in the heat of the moment than you intended to when you were driving to a casino.

If you are the type of gambler who has trouble reigning himself or herself in, then you might listen to a money management guru's advice.

Just don't think these systems are going to make you profitable.

I played Secret Admirer for my fifth and final session of slots for the day.

I was have trouble finding another 5-coin option that was cool. I got tired of looking, so I finally chose between the Secret Admirer and Ladies Night slot machines.

Lord help me, I should have chosen Ladies Night.

I got what I deserved.

Secret Admirer. Hmpf.

The reels had pictures of silly stuff like diamond rings and perfume bottles and fur coats. The theme seems to be some guy sending a woman a bunch of anonymous gifts.

I don't know who this is supposed to appeal to. Maybe it's for women who like the idea of a rich secret admirer. Or maybe it's for all the stalkers out there. I don't know.

So my Secret Admirer slot machine session lasted 11 pulls. Every time I thought I was going to hit the session limit, I won a little something. In the end, I only won 2 of 11 spins. Those two spins netted me $0.75 and $0.15.

Let me do a freakin' dance.

So my 5-coin Ladder sessions ended with a whimper--not a bang.

Still, I cleared 66 dollars for the day. Except for a screw-up on the 3-coin sessions, I would have come out ahead on the Ladder method.

I can live with that.

Starting Money: $172.30 Ending Money: $166.30

WINNING SESSION

For my fourth session of 5-coin Ladder, I chose to play the Big Kahuna slot machine. Big Kahuna is one of the classics slots games. Now it can be found in an online slots edition.

I played Big Kahuna according to John Patrick's 5 coin method. That meant I played 5 lines as a constant, but changed up my betting from 1 to 5 coins.

This was a quick session. It lasted 5 pulls. I lost all five pulls. So I never bet 5 coins, going from 3 to 2 to 1 and busting out.

I only lost a minimal amount, so I'm still way ahead for the day.

I've started to figure out something about slots money management.

Money management is basically damage control. It certainly isn't going to ensure you win. But money management is going to limit the damage when you're losing.

In that way, money management isn't such a bad thing. If you are the type of gambler who doesn't know when to stop, then you could do worse than follow a system laid down by a man like John Patrick.

Money management systems keep you in the game, so maybe you can hit a jackpot somewhere along the way.

In my experience, you aren't going to win small consistenly enough to clear a profit. In my experience, you are either going to lose a session, or you are going to win $50 to $100 on one lucky pull. If you get really, really lucky, you'll get a big jackpot.

So after 30-odd sessions using John Patrick's systems, my impression is it has some value. That is, if you are the type that doesn't know when to quit, having an arbitrary cutoff point is a good thing.

It's all luck, after that.

Just my two cents worth, folks.

Starting Money: $177.30 Ending Money: $172,30

LOSING SESSION

I'm on a winning streak.

That's right. I've had two winning sessions of online slots in a row. I'm really starting to like the Mummy's Gold online casino.

I decided to play the Skull Duggery slot machine this time around. It offers the scatter and wild symbol features that are so popular nowadays. Skull Duggery also offered a Booty feature, of which I'm now a big fan.

I won on the Booty feature. If you win a certain pull, you have a chance at big booty. To win the big booty, you have to choose the right figure.

You choose one of five cartoon figures, ranging from the tough pirate to a big drunk pirate to some hot looking female pirate.

There might have been a monkey or a parrot thrown in there somewhere, too. I can't remember.

But I chose the tough pirate and ended up clearing some $45 in the process.

I ended up with a 23 pull session. Only 9 of the 23 pulls won, but that 45 dollar pull was enough to give me a winning session. That's what happens when you're betting about $1.35 on average.

You know, I've always liked pirates. Pirates are free spirits. Pirates don't play by the rules. Pirates live by their own code.

You may not know this, but I consider myself a modern day pirate.

I'm a free spirit. I don't play by the rules. I live by my own code.

That's something you probably need to know about me.

Starting Money: $143.00 Ending Money: $177.30

WINNING SESSION

I would recommend the Spring Break slots game. I won $47 playing slots on it. Thank you, Mummy's Gold Casino.

I hit a $7 winner on my first spin at Spring Break. It also gave me 15 free spins. When those were over, my winner had turned into $54.

After that, I strung together six straight naked pulls. Naked pull on Spring Break isn't what you think it is. Naked pull is John Patrick's term for a losing spin on a slot machine.

John Patrick throws in erotic sounding terms like that from time to time. That's what hanging around loose women like Madame Kon U. Daly will do to a man.

Hey, it's in the book. John Patrick's Slots. Chapter #9. Look it up.

Anyway, I chose Spring Break because I figured it would have pictures of nooky girls and wet t-shirt contests. I was disappointed in that.

Most of the imagery revolved around food, which I found kind of funny. There were hot dogs and slices of pizza and dudes flipping burgers on the grill.

I guess that's what the designer of the Spring Break online slot machine game took away from his or her spring break experience.

Whatever the case, this game payed up. So I'm happy.

Starting Money: $96 Ending Money: $143

WINNING SESSION

Boy, I remember the days when Tomb Raider was the hottest thing going. It's a little quaint seeing Laura Croft as a slot machine theme these days.

I have to say, after all these years, the video game Laura Croft is still pretty hot. She may be hotter than Angelina Jolie playing Laura Croft. Maybe.

Of course, Angelina Jolie is a real, flesh-and-blood woman. You might not have known that.

The Tomb Raider slots game was a pretty standard 5-line game otherwise. It offered a few features like the scatter and wild symbol. Tomb Raider also had a free spin feature.

Unfortunately, I never saw any of that stuff.

I had 5 straight naked pulls in a row. In John Patrick's Ladder Method, 5 naked pulls on the ladder ends the session.

So I lost $4 and was out of the Tomb Raider game quick.

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

Starting Money: $100 Ending Money: $96

LOSING SESSION

I tried out Mummy's Gold for my second set of Ladder experiments. Mummy's Gold had a nice layout with around 100 slot machines to choose from. Among the list were quite a few of the classics slots games, while I found a few of the fresher models in the mix.

The system I'm playing is John Patrick's Ladder 5-coin method.

The five coin system should not be confused with the 3-coin system I played the other day. Many novices will confuse the two.

I understand if you do.

I mean, the two systems are surprisingly similar. Each involves a betting "ladder", as John Patrick likes to term it.

You move up and down the ladder, according to your success on any given pull. If you fall to the bottom of the ladder and stay there too long, the session ends.

So what is the difference in the 5-coin and 3-coin methods.

In the 5 coin, your maximum bet is 5 coins. In the 3 coin, your maximum bet is 3 coins. I know that can get confusing for those who are new to slots.

We'll be playing five different slot machines today. I've chosen a wide array of games, taking care to choose only slots with up to 5 coin options.

The games I'll be playing are Tomb Raider, Spring Break, Skull Duggery, Big Kahuna and Secret Admirer.

I know it's a little lame playing a game called Secret Admirer, but I was looking for a game with 5 coin options and got tired of looking through the selections. I had hoped it would have depictions of women getting dressed in silhouette in top floor windows, but no such luck.

There were only bottles of perfume and lame stuff like that.

So cut out the snickering, damn you.