Slot Systems

Well, I figured out real quickly I wouldn't be testing out the Zig Zag slots system online. It's hard to wander through an online casino and find just-used machines when those machine are freakin' virtual.

I will visit real casinos instead.

I may have a chance of visiting the Winstar Casino in Thackerville, Oklahoma. If not, maybe I'll travel down to the Shreveport-Bossier City area for a weekend of Zig Zag slots testing.

I noticed big news from the Horseshoe Casino in Shreveport. They've hired former NFL quarterback Billy Joe Tolliver as part of their staff.

Apparently, Billy Joe is a resident of Shreveport. He was hired to develop "high-end players" and host golf tournaments for the casino. You might not know this, but Mr. Tolliver is considered one of the finests golfers among career NFL backup quarterbacks.

Let me tell you my favorite Billy Joe Tolliver story.

Billy Joe was a backup quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons back in 1991. The team drafted a hotshot rookie thrower in the second round of the 1991 NFL Draft.

The rookie playcaller was supposed to have a big arm, but question marks about his decision-making on and off the field.

Well, early on, Billy Joe realized the rook had a whole lot more talent than him. Billy Joe was concerned the kid was going to take his job, so he deciced to use veteran tactics to keep his job.

Billy Joe took the rookie out drinking every night of training camp. He got the kid so drunk that he routinely underperformed in two-a-days. The kid ended up in the doghouse of Coach Jerry Glanville.

The Falcons starter, Chris Miller, went on to have a Pro Bowl season that year. After the season, the Falcons decided the rookie had no future in Atlanta, and traded him away for a 1992 draft pick.

That drunk rookie signal caller? None other than Brett Favre.

As the saying goes, "now you know the rest of the story".

The fortunes of the Atlanta Falcons, the Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre were changed due to Billy Joe Tolliver's antics.

That might give you an idea of the kind of character the Horseshoe Casino has hired to entertain its high rollers. I applaud their vision.

Anyway, I wish I could report about my latest slots experiment. That will have to wait for another day. I'll keep everyone updated when I win my fortune through the Zig Zag slots system.

I have a new slot machine method I'm going to try out. It's called the Zig Zag System.

You might be wondering what the Zig Zag is; I certainly was.

But the Slot Systems team has exhaustively researched this slots theory, and here's what you need to know. There are three possible origins for the term.

A. It's called the Zig Zag because it calls for a player to zig zag through the casino searching for the proper slot machines to play.

B. It's called the Zig Zag because you are looking for zig zag patterns of certain symbols on the machines' display screens.

C. It's called the Zig Zag because you have to bob-and-weave to avoid gunfire from casino employees angry you've just won so much money from them.

I'm pretty certain this third explanation is the correct one. So I'm pretty darned interested in trying this system out.

John Patrick's systems haven't won me the kind of money I had hoped. They've actually lost me several hundred dollars, though I'm not blaming John. You just can't stay angry at that crazy kid.

That being said, I not longer have confidence in Patrick's slot system. So I'm placing all my faith in the Zig Zag. It's certain to win for me.

So here's how it works.

You need to scout around the casino for the proper slot machine to play this method. You're looking for machines showing three or more similar potential winning symbols on the screen.

Obviously, these symbols aren't aligned in a winning pattern at present. But the zig zag experts tell us they soon will be. The symbols are in the process of aligning, just like stars do occasionally. The zig zag is a little like astrology.

You are looking for one of several different patterns. If (on a 3 reel machine) you see the first and third reel showing winning symbols, and the second reel showing a winning symbol just below, this is called a "V" pattern.

If these winning symbols snake across the screen from left to right or bottom to top, this is called a classic "zig zag" pattern. It's not as good as the V, but it's a whole lot more common

If you're real lucky, you might find a "diamond" pattern. The diamond is like a V pattern, except there is also a potential winning symbol topping the V in the second reel. Just imagine a giant diamond sitting on the screen before you.

That's what I'm doing. I've got big plans for the zig zag system. It's my one-way ticket to my dream existence: a luxury retirement in Antigua.

I've been playing celebrity slot machines lately. One of my favorites is I Dream of Jeannie, based on the sixties television show. Put out by International Game Technology, this slots game offers a couple of features you can't argue with.

First, "Jeannie" offers a progressive jackpot. You might not know this about me, but I like progressive jackpots. Usually, the bigger the jackpot, the more I like the progressive. That's just how it works with me.

Second, Barbara Eden does voice work on this game. Yes, the original Jeannie is back to reprise the role that made her famous. She gives words of encouragement as you play the slots and calls you cool things like "master" and stuff.

Now, you too can imagine you are Captain Anthony Nelson, having a hot, scantily dressed and (strangely) blonde Persian chick calling you her master. And at the same time you are playing for a progressive jackpot. It's a good time to be alive.

Of course, you'll have to imagine Barbara Eden is still in her prime. She's like 70 or something. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Interestingly, in my exhaustive research of I Dream of Jeannie, I found out they are making a Jeannie movie. Due out in 2006, it stars none other than Lindsay Lohan.

Apparently, the movie's going to have a slightly different back story. 2000 years ago, Jeannie wanted to be a Persian warrior. Because the ancient Persians didn't go for warrior princesses, Jeannie was consigned to a magic bottle, where she would be made to serve the first person to get their hands on the bottle.

So I guess this movie is going to have a subtle women's rights theme to it. Mostly, it's going to have Lindsay Lohan in a skimpy genie outfit. She's definately got the figure for it, so I can dig it.

You know, the I Dream of Jeannie franchise is pretty unrealistic. I mean, let's assume you buy the part about the genie in a bottle. What kind of red-blooded American man is going to own a compliant female jinn with unlimited wish potential and NOT get a little nooky?

I know, I know, Nelson and Jeannie ended up married and everything, but let's get real. You mean to tell me he never got lonely at night? He was more concerned that this hot genie was going to screw up his career. Yeah, right.

That being said, I can't wait for Lindsay Lohan on the big screen as everyone's favorite genie. Look for it at a theater near you sometime in the summer of '06.

And check out the I Dream of Jeannie slot machine. IGT has really topped itself this time.