Slot Systems

Have you ever thought about what slot machines you would REALLY love to play? I do that all the time. There's a lot of great machines out there, like the Marvel Superheroes slots. But for every great machine, there are ten more I would like to see.

So here's a list of nine slot machines which someone should produce.

1. The Google Slot Machine

This would be my favorite.

Whenever you played the game, Google Ads would pop up along the sides of the screen. If you clicked on one of these Adwords links, you might win a bonus. Most of the time, they would involve ads for some motorcycle repair shop in Peoria.

But this slot machine would have access to all of Google's coolest do-dads. You could access your gmail account while you played and have IM conversations with your friends.

Or, you could hang out on Orkut, meeting friends while you hit the jackpot. All the other Google slot machines would be networked with one another. Orkut would be for gamblers what MySpace is for musicians.

The bonus game would use Google Earth software. You would search the globe for your bonus money. Not only would you get a cool geography lesson, but you would learn all about the crazy names of foreign currencies.

If you hit the big progressive jackpot, you wouldn't win cash. Google would pay you in Google stock, which is much more valuable anyway.

A word of warning to Chinese players of Google slots. Your gambling WILL be reported to the Chinese government. And if you win the jackpot, not only will the Ministry of State Security confiscate your winnings, but you will be sent to a reeducation camp.

2. The Microsoft Slot Machine

This machine wouldn't pay out at all.

It would just eat your money and malfunction a lot. But like other Microsoft products, people would love it. That's because some of the glitches would actually pay out. These would be significantly high enough to warrant the money you would pour into the machine.

Of course, any time one of these screw-ups happened, a graphic would come up asking if you want to report the malfunction to tech support. Whether you chose "yes" or "no", nothing would be done by the management. Most people would assume this was just a bonus game.

When this happened, you could pull the level five times and hit the machine on top, sort of like the old pinball machines. Like with most Microsoft products, cursing a lot would probably help win the bonus game. Telling the guy next to you "Microsoft products" and shaking your head would also help.

Most of the slot sessions would be interrupted by software updates. And you would need to buy anti-theft protection, because other slots players might network in and steal your winnings.

Of course, something like this isn't far around the corner. Except Bill Gates won't partner with Bally or IGT. He's going to produce his own slots and try to corner the market, like he's doing with XBOX. Which brings me to my next slot machine.

3. The Xbox Slot Machine

This is the second offering from Bill Gates and Microsoft.

The great thing about the XBOX slot machine is the XBox Live option. This will be an interactive network game where players can encourage one another or (more likely) trash talk. So while you're playing slots, you can listen to obnoxious 12 year olds with Stephen Hawking voices tell you about their jackpot winnings. "I just hit the progressive, biyatch!"

This game will bombard you will all the greatest XBOX images. It could include scenes from fan favorites like Call of Duty, Knights of the Old Republic, Splinter Cell and Prince of Persia.

The bonus games would be awesome on this one. I would put in a Madden Bonus Game, a Halo Bonus Game and a Grand Theft Auto 3 Bonus Game. A picture of John Madden's big head saying "Boom!" would be the bonus symbol.

The Madden Bonus Game would have Madden's suggestions for winning bonuses. You should never listen to this advice.

The Halo Bonus Game would require you to play the role of the Chief and fight it out with the Flood. When you blow them up, they would explode into a multitude of smaller Flood. Some of these Flood would contain bonus money.

The Grand Theft Auto 3 Bonus Game simply requires you to take up a sniper rifle and shoot up a virtual casino. That way, if you have a rude neighbor on the slot machine next to you, you can simply wipe out the virtual slots row.

4. The Digg.com Slot Machine

This would be a novelty game.

Once again, it would require a network of all the Digg.com slot machines. Digg is "popularity website"; the Digg slot machine would be a "popularity slot machine".

Other Digg players would watch you play and vote on whether you should win. The more people that "digg" you, the more money you win.

Now I don't know how this would work. Maybe the Digg mechanism would activate on the bonus games. Or maybe you would have to refer your audience to other winning slot machines. That might open up the game to lots of zig zag talk and slotmachinemastery talk, but I figure the losing machines would prove out in the end.

It would be another way for Bill Stone to be exposed. You know; kind of like what goes on in this blog.

Also, if I were designing these machines, they would broadcast the latest installment of Diggnation. That way, you could learn about the most popular stories of the week. I would probably include a Diggnation Slots clip, with a list of the week's best slot machines.

This could be a goldmine for IGT. Like the classic television slots franchises, this could turn into popularity websites. You could have a del.icio.us slot machine, a Slashdot slot machine, Web 2.0 slots, and eventually put out machines for the lesser known Digg competitors, like Fark and Reddit.

5. The Iraq Slot Machine

This would be the timeliest slots game of all time, much better than those Hitler slot machines back in the forties.

Symbols would include flag-draped coffins, burning mosques, and a sign that says, "Mission Accomplished".

You would have reels full of George W. Bush wearing a cowboy hat or chopping wood at his fake ranch, Dick Cheney holding a shotgun and Jerry Bremer signing self-defeating protocols. You could have a picture of Paul Wolfowitz looking like Eddie Munster.

To show that IGT wasn't being partisan, the machine would include pictures of all the Democratic presidential "contenders" who voted for the war resolution: Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and John Edwards.

I'm just getting started.

Terrorists like al-Zarkawi and radicals like Muqtada Al-Sadr wouldn't be left out. These would be the wild symbols. Each would activate a bonus game. The bonus games would be the bomb.

In the WMD bonus game, you would search for weapons of mass destruction. There would be five or ten sites to inspect. Whenever you picked a site and it didn't have a MMD bonus, a picture of Hanz Blix would pop up and say, "I told you so."

There wouldn't be many bonuses given out on this one.

I would also have a Saddam Hussein bonus game. In this one, you would be looking down spider holes for Saddam. If you won a bonus, there would be a picture of Saddam hanging from the gallows. Shiites would stand around and taunt the corpse.

One thing this machine wouldn't have is a picture of Osama Bin Laden.
Why? Because there was no connection between Al Quaeda and Iraq. (insert laughter)

This is getting fun. Let's move on to another.

6. The Dick Cheney Slot Machine

Okay, this is just an elaboration of the previous slots game, but I figure the Iraq War will be so popular that it needs a sequel. You know, sort of like that first Iraq War.

And what better subject than Dick Cheney? I mean, you can get a lot of mileage out of that hunting "incident". He's the Elmer Fudd of American politics.

Though the George W. Bush slot machine would be cool from an audio point of view, with all those wacky quotes, we're not going to design a slot machine solely about our embattled Chief Commander. We have too much respect for the Office of the President.

Of course, no one respects the Office of the Vice President.

I mean, what do those guys do? Attend funerals and wait for the president to die?

Well, in Dick Cheney's case, I guess they do a little more than that. He hires a gang of his own cronies to form his own shadow presidency and tries to control the government from behind the scenes.

This machine would focus on some of the highlights of Dick Cheney's career. The bonus game would be called "Hunting With Dick Cheney".

You would choose targets. When you shot an animal, you would win. Most of the time, you would be firing on campaign contributors who are lobbying you for those Iraq contracts you claim to have nothing to do with.

This game would be activated by a picture of Cheney holding a shotgun.

The wild symbol would be a picture of the Haliburton corporate logo. This would activate a multiplier to give you bonus cash, much like the multipliers that Haliburton uses to calculate the profits on all of its military contracts.

7. The American Idol Slot Machine

Now that American Idol is back for its sixth season, it's time for the American Idol slot machine.

Obviously, you would include pictures of the big stars: Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson. There would be pictures of all the American Idols: Kelly, Reuben, Fantasia, Carrie and that Taylor loser. Of course, you would have to have William Hung.

Whenever you lose, you would hear Simon saying "That was hideous" in his effete little British accent. If you lost really bad, he could tell you he could have seen the same in "any hotel lobby across America".

Those are my favorite Simon quotes. He'll use each of those several times this year. Just watch.

There would be the requisite Randy quotes about "Dawg this" and "Dawg that". Ryan Seacrest could show up and be useless.

You know, this guy's got a great career for doing a little bit of nothing. Now he hosts New Year's Rocking Eve with Dick Clark. You know he's just waiting for Dick clark to die, so he can have that gig for the next forty years.

He's also on the America's Weekly Top Forty countdown, taking over for Casey Kasem. Once again, another job that will last for forty years. I mean, this dude is set. And all based on "hosting" American Idol, where everyone but him is the star. It's great work, though, if you can get it.

That being said, Seacrest would be the wildcard symbol. There would be a bunch of phone numbers under his picture, indicating the American people voting. If the vote goes your way, you continue on and have a chance to win more money. If the vote doesn't go your way, the game is over.

Another bonus game would involve Paula. There would be a clip of her leaning towards the screen, looking drunk. She would be flirting with the player, then disappear seductively into a dressing room. You would be asked to decide what to do next, and this would affect your bonus.

Beware, though; it's a trick question.

8. The Wal-Mart Slot Machine

The great thing about this one is it involves Wal-Mart.

That means they would find a way to put Wal-Mart slot machines in every store across America. I know that's illegal, but Wal-Mart would could get the laws changed. I mean, it's Wal-Mart.

I guarentee, Wal-Mart would revolutionize the gambling industry.

This would be a devious machine. You wouldn't actually win money on this game. But you would get tremendous discounts on losing your money.

You see, these slot machines would be built in China. These slots could be produced for a little bit of nothing. So Wal-Mart would only have to take a fraction of your gambling money to make the same profit. That's the American way!

The music on the Wal-Mart slot machine would be from the top artists in the pop industry. Of course, all of this music would be censored to take out anything that might be offensive to parents and children.

Wal-Mart would probably skimp on the graphic and sound effects. Like their commercials, they would only include pictures of actual Wal-Mart associates and generic smiley faces. The smiley faces would look pleasant and probably indicate a kind of bonus "savings", but the employee graphics would be unfriendly looking. Occasionally, the sound effects would mimic a rude associate.

Another favorite of mine would be sound effects from one of those morning associate meetings.

You know, the ones where they get together and clap their hands like a pep rally? The one that makes outsiders wonder if Wal-Mart is using cult techniques to brainwash their associates? Yeah, those meetings.

From time to time, a voice would ring out about a "blue light special".

You won't be able to figure out what this is trying to tell you, but the
flashing blue lights on the machine would draw in a lot of new players.

9. The Lord of the Rings Slot Machine

They have a Star Wars slot machine. So is a Lord of the Rings slots game that far away?

Now, nothing could be as unstable as a George Lucas slot.

I've never played Star Wars, but I imagine it has Darth Vader in a musical number or something. I knew that Lucas had lost his mind when he spliced in Boba Fett flirting with Jabba's strippers in the "new and improved" Return of the Jedi.

Lord of the Rings can't get that crazy, but I bet it could get close. I've heard recently that Peter Jackson probably won't be coming back for The Hobbit movie, because the studio screwed him on the profits of the Rings Trilogy.

That means the studio execs are in charge of the franchise. That means a Rings slot machine is just around the corner.

Can you imagine the possibilities? Gandalf would be the wildcard, becuase he's the badass of the bunch.

Prominent sound effects would include Smeegol repeatedly saying "Precious" and Samwise chiming in "He'll betray you, Mr. Frodo!".

You know, in retrospect, that was a really annoying subplot.

It was pretty much three movies of Samwise and Frodo arguing about the Ring. I would like to see the Frodo parts of the movies cut out and spliced into its own movie. That would probably be the most annoying hour and half of your life, even more of an ass-whipping than Titanic.

On second thought, I would probably design this game as if you were the villain. The villains are much cooler in this movie, except for Smeegol.

The Sauron Bonus Game would be kickass. That eye could pop up and you could send your ring-wraiths to capture different characters. Collect the rings and you come to destroy Middle-Earth...and win a bunch of bonus money.

The problem is The Lord of the Rings didn't have a whole lot of cool quotes, like Star Wars did. Also, the end of the game would draw out forever, and finally you would walk away because you were sick of the graphics.

So maybe this game wouldn't be so great, after all. But, hey, that's why I have it listed #9 on the list, right?

Peter Jackson's version would be much better. He would have King Kong show up and attack or something. Freaking studio execs.