Slot Systems

Have you ever thought about what slot machines you would REALLY love to play? I do that all the time. There's a lot of great machines out there, like the Marvel Superheroes slots. But for every great machine, there are ten more I would like to see.

So here's a list of nine slot machines which someone should produce.

1. The Google Slot Machine

This would be my favorite.

Whenever you played the game, Google Ads would pop up along the sides of the screen. If you clicked on one of these Adwords links, you might win a bonus. Most of the time, they would involve ads for some motorcycle repair shop in Peoria.

But this slot machine would have access to all of Google's coolest do-dads. You could access your gmail account while you played and have IM conversations with your friends.

Or, you could hang out on Orkut, meeting friends while you hit the jackpot. All the other Google slot machines would be networked with one another. Orkut would be for gamblers what MySpace is for musicians.

The bonus game would use Google Earth software. You would search the globe for your bonus money. Not only would you get a cool geography lesson, but you would learn all about the crazy names of foreign currencies.

If you hit the big progressive jackpot, you wouldn't win cash. Google would pay you in Google stock, which is much more valuable anyway.

A word of warning to Chinese players of Google slots. Your gambling WILL be reported to the Chinese government. And if you win the jackpot, not only will the Ministry of State Security confiscate your winnings, but you will be sent to a reeducation camp.

2. The Microsoft Slot Machine

This machine wouldn't pay out at all.

It would just eat your money and malfunction a lot. But like other Microsoft products, people would love it. That's because some of the glitches would actually pay out. These would be significantly high enough to warrant the money you would pour into the machine.

Of course, any time one of these screw-ups happened, a graphic would come up asking if you want to report the malfunction to tech support. Whether you chose "yes" or "no", nothing would be done by the management. Most people would assume this was just a bonus game.

When this happened, you could pull the level five times and hit the machine on top, sort of like the old pinball machines. Like with most Microsoft products, cursing a lot would probably help win the bonus game. Telling the guy next to you "Microsoft products" and shaking your head would also help.

Most of the slot sessions would be interrupted by software updates. And you would need to buy anti-theft protection, because other slots players might network in and steal your winnings.

Of course, something like this isn't far around the corner. Except Bill Gates won't partner with Bally or IGT. He's going to produce his own slots and try to corner the market, like he's doing with XBOX. Which brings me to my next slot machine.

3. The Xbox Slot Machine

This is the second offering from Bill Gates and Microsoft.

The great thing about the XBOX slot machine is the XBox Live option. This will be an interactive network game where players can encourage one another or (more likely) trash talk. So while you're playing slots, you can listen to obnoxious 12 year olds with Stephen Hawking voices tell you about their jackpot winnings. "I just hit the progressive, biyatch!"

This game will bombard you will all the greatest XBOX images. It could include scenes from fan favorites like Call of Duty, Knights of the Old Republic, Splinter Cell and Prince of Persia.

The bonus games would be awesome on this one. I would put in a Madden Bonus Game, a Halo Bonus Game and a Grand Theft Auto 3 Bonus Game. A picture of John Madden's big head saying "Boom!" would be the bonus symbol.

The Madden Bonus Game would have Madden's suggestions for winning bonuses. You should never listen to this advice.

The Halo Bonus Game would require you to play the role of the Chief and fight it out with the Flood. When you blow them up, they would explode into a multitude of smaller Flood. Some of these Flood would contain bonus money.

The Grand Theft Auto 3 Bonus Game simply requires you to take up a sniper rifle and shoot up a virtual casino. That way, if you have a rude neighbor on the slot machine next to you, you can simply wipe out the virtual slots row.

4. The Digg.com Slot Machine

This would be a novelty game.

Once again, it would require a network of all the Digg.com slot machines. Digg is "popularity website"; the Digg slot machine would be a "popularity slot machine".

Other Digg players would watch you play and vote on whether you should win. The more people that "digg" you, the more money you win.

Now I don't know how this would work. Maybe the Digg mechanism would activate on the bonus games. Or maybe you would have to refer your audience to other winning slot machines. That might open up the game to lots of zig zag talk and slotmachinemastery talk, but I figure the losing machines would prove out in the end.

It would be another way for Bill Stone to be exposed. You know; kind of like what goes on in this blog.

Also, if I were designing these machines, they would broadcast the latest installment of Diggnation. That way, you could learn about the most popular stories of the week. I would probably include a Diggnation Slots clip, with a list of the week's best slot machines.

This could be a goldmine for IGT. Like the classic television slots franchises, this could turn into popularity websites. You could have a del.icio.us slot machine, a Slashdot slot machine, Web 2.0 slots, and eventually put out machines for the lesser known Digg competitors, like Fark and Reddit.

5. The Iraq Slot Machine

This would be the timeliest slots game of all time, much better than those Hitler slot machines back in the forties.

Symbols would include flag-draped coffins, burning mosques, and a sign that says, "Mission Accomplished".

You would have reels full of George W. Bush wearing a cowboy hat or chopping wood at his fake ranch, Dick Cheney holding a shotgun and Jerry Bremer signing self-defeating protocols. You could have a picture of Paul Wolfowitz looking like Eddie Munster.

To show that IGT wasn't being partisan, the machine would include pictures of all the Democratic presidential "contenders" who voted for the war resolution: Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and John Edwards.

I'm just getting started.

Terrorists like al-Zarkawi and radicals like Muqtada Al-Sadr wouldn't be left out. These would be the wild symbols. Each would activate a bonus game. The bonus games would be the bomb.

In the WMD bonus game, you would search for weapons of mass destruction. There would be five or ten sites to inspect. Whenever you picked a site and it didn't have a MMD bonus, a picture of Hanz Blix would pop up and say, "I told you so."

There wouldn't be many bonuses given out on this one.

I would also have a Saddam Hussein bonus game. In this one, you would be looking down spider holes for Saddam. If you won a bonus, there would be a picture of Saddam hanging from the gallows. Shiites would stand around and taunt the corpse.

One thing this machine wouldn't have is a picture of Osama Bin Laden.
Why? Because there was no connection between Al Quaeda and Iraq. (insert laughter)

This is getting fun. Let's move on to another.

6. The Dick Cheney Slot Machine

Okay, this is just an elaboration of the previous slots game, but I figure the Iraq War will be so popular that it needs a sequel. You know, sort of like that first Iraq War.

And what better subject than Dick Cheney? I mean, you can get a lot of mileage out of that hunting "incident". He's the Elmer Fudd of American politics.

Though the George W. Bush slot machine would be cool from an audio point of view, with all those wacky quotes, we're not going to design a slot machine solely about our embattled Chief Commander. We have too much respect for the Office of the President.

Of course, no one respects the Office of the Vice President.

I mean, what do those guys do? Attend funerals and wait for the president to die?

Well, in Dick Cheney's case, I guess they do a little more than that. He hires a gang of his own cronies to form his own shadow presidency and tries to control the government from behind the scenes.

This machine would focus on some of the highlights of Dick Cheney's career. The bonus game would be called "Hunting With Dick Cheney".

You would choose targets. When you shot an animal, you would win. Most of the time, you would be firing on campaign contributors who are lobbying you for those Iraq contracts you claim to have nothing to do with.

This game would be activated by a picture of Cheney holding a shotgun.

The wild symbol would be a picture of the Haliburton corporate logo. This would activate a multiplier to give you bonus cash, much like the multipliers that Haliburton uses to calculate the profits on all of its military contracts.

7. The American Idol Slot Machine

Now that American Idol is back for its sixth season, it's time for the American Idol slot machine.

Obviously, you would include pictures of the big stars: Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson. There would be pictures of all the American Idols: Kelly, Reuben, Fantasia, Carrie and that Taylor loser. Of course, you would have to have William Hung.

Whenever you lose, you would hear Simon saying "That was hideous" in his effete little British accent. If you lost really bad, he could tell you he could have seen the same in "any hotel lobby across America".

Those are my favorite Simon quotes. He'll use each of those several times this year. Just watch.

There would be the requisite Randy quotes about "Dawg this" and "Dawg that". Ryan Seacrest could show up and be useless.

You know, this guy's got a great career for doing a little bit of nothing. Now he hosts New Year's Rocking Eve with Dick Clark. You know he's just waiting for Dick clark to die, so he can have that gig for the next forty years.

He's also on the America's Weekly Top Forty countdown, taking over for Casey Kasem. Once again, another job that will last for forty years. I mean, this dude is set. And all based on "hosting" American Idol, where everyone but him is the star. It's great work, though, if you can get it.

That being said, Seacrest would be the wildcard symbol. There would be a bunch of phone numbers under his picture, indicating the American people voting. If the vote goes your way, you continue on and have a chance to win more money. If the vote doesn't go your way, the game is over.

Another bonus game would involve Paula. There would be a clip of her leaning towards the screen, looking drunk. She would be flirting with the player, then disappear seductively into a dressing room. You would be asked to decide what to do next, and this would affect your bonus.

Beware, though; it's a trick question.

8. The Wal-Mart Slot Machine

The great thing about this one is it involves Wal-Mart.

That means they would find a way to put Wal-Mart slot machines in every store across America. I know that's illegal, but Wal-Mart would could get the laws changed. I mean, it's Wal-Mart.

I guarentee, Wal-Mart would revolutionize the gambling industry.

This would be a devious machine. You wouldn't actually win money on this game. But you would get tremendous discounts on losing your money.

You see, these slot machines would be built in China. These slots could be produced for a little bit of nothing. So Wal-Mart would only have to take a fraction of your gambling money to make the same profit. That's the American way!

The music on the Wal-Mart slot machine would be from the top artists in the pop industry. Of course, all of this music would be censored to take out anything that might be offensive to parents and children.

Wal-Mart would probably skimp on the graphic and sound effects. Like their commercials, they would only include pictures of actual Wal-Mart associates and generic smiley faces. The smiley faces would look pleasant and probably indicate a kind of bonus "savings", but the employee graphics would be unfriendly looking. Occasionally, the sound effects would mimic a rude associate.

Another favorite of mine would be sound effects from one of those morning associate meetings.

You know, the ones where they get together and clap their hands like a pep rally? The one that makes outsiders wonder if Wal-Mart is using cult techniques to brainwash their associates? Yeah, those meetings.

From time to time, a voice would ring out about a "blue light special".

You won't be able to figure out what this is trying to tell you, but the
flashing blue lights on the machine would draw in a lot of new players.

9. The Lord of the Rings Slot Machine

They have a Star Wars slot machine. So is a Lord of the Rings slots game that far away?

Now, nothing could be as unstable as a George Lucas slot.

I've never played Star Wars, but I imagine it has Darth Vader in a musical number or something. I knew that Lucas had lost his mind when he spliced in Boba Fett flirting with Jabba's strippers in the "new and improved" Return of the Jedi.

Lord of the Rings can't get that crazy, but I bet it could get close. I've heard recently that Peter Jackson probably won't be coming back for The Hobbit movie, because the studio screwed him on the profits of the Rings Trilogy.

That means the studio execs are in charge of the franchise. That means a Rings slot machine is just around the corner.

Can you imagine the possibilities? Gandalf would be the wildcard, becuase he's the badass of the bunch.

Prominent sound effects would include Smeegol repeatedly saying "Precious" and Samwise chiming in "He'll betray you, Mr. Frodo!".

You know, in retrospect, that was a really annoying subplot.

It was pretty much three movies of Samwise and Frodo arguing about the Ring. I would like to see the Frodo parts of the movies cut out and spliced into its own movie. That would probably be the most annoying hour and half of your life, even more of an ass-whipping than Titanic.

On second thought, I would probably design this game as if you were the villain. The villains are much cooler in this movie, except for Smeegol.

The Sauron Bonus Game would be kickass. That eye could pop up and you could send your ring-wraiths to capture different characters. Collect the rings and you come to destroy Middle-Earth...and win a bunch of bonus money.

The problem is The Lord of the Rings didn't have a whole lot of cool quotes, like Star Wars did. Also, the end of the game would draw out forever, and finally you would walk away because you were sick of the graphics.

So maybe this game wouldn't be so great, after all. But, hey, that's why I have it listed #9 on the list, right?

Peter Jackson's version would be much better. He would have King Kong show up and attack or something. Freaking studio execs.

Welcome to another installment of From The Files Of Slot Systems.

This is the segment where we go back to the dusty past, back when online gambling was legal in America. Back before the age of gambling prohibition, I played a bunch of sessions. I took notes. Occasionally, I open the tomes and post one of those old sessions.

I'm returning to my notes of sessions I played months ago. I just dug up another one of my "Down the Steps" sessions.

Maybe I should recap.

John Patrick wrote a book called John Patrick's Slots, where he detailed different ways to win at the slot machines. I'm testing all 25 systems. The latest one of these is Down The Steps.

Here's the post where I first discussed the system.

http://www.slot-systems.com/2006/09/intercasinocom-intercasino-down-steps.html

Basically, you start betting high. As you hit the spin button, you bet less with each spin, then start the cycle over again. John Patrick explains it better than I do.

What goes up, must come down.

I'm serious; he wrote this stuff. But who's the fool, right? I actually bought a book full of this nonsense.

But, hey, I've played three sessions using Down The Steps and I actually won once.

The first session, I played the Hulk slot machine. I won $148. Here's my original post.

http://www.slot-systems.com/2006/09/hulk-slots-game-down-steps-session-1.html

The second session, I played X-Men slot machine. On this one, I lost $36. Here's that session in full.

http://www.slot-systems.com/2006/10/x-men-slots-game-down-steps-session-2.html

For the third session, I played the Thor slot machine. I lost $14. And guess what? Here's the recap.

http://www.slot-systems.com/2006/10/thor-slots-game-down-steps-session-3.html

If you don't want to read all that crap, let me tell you I've won around 98 bucks on the Down The Steps, which is frankly better than I'm used to doing with John Patrick's advice. So that's good.

As you might have noticed by now, I've been playing Marvel Comics slot machines at Intercasino.com.

For my fourth session, I decided to play Silver Surfer slots.

The Silver Surfer is one of my favorites. You'll love this. His name is Norrin Radd.

Isn't that cool?

I mean, he's an alien surfer, but his name just so happens to be "rad". I mean, that's one huge freaking coincidence. He might as well have been named Narly Johnson or something.

Of course, the Silver Surfer is serious business. He was the herald of Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds. He became a herald to keep Galactus from destroying Surfer's homeworld of Zenn-La. Hmph...the sellout.

Eventually, the two came to Earth, where they faced The Fantastic Four. You know, Galactus was hungry and he wanted to eat the Earth.

Deciding that Mr. Fantastic had a point about saving Earth and all that kind of stuff, the Surfer betrayed Galactus and helped the Fantastic Four. Galactus banished him to Earth as a punishment, and the rest is history.

It looks like the Silver Surfer will be a big part of the Fantastic Four 2 movie coming out this summer. It kind of looks like Surfer will be the major villain, though I hope that isn't the case. A good idea might be to tell the story in its original form. That's worked before, you know.

I doubt that will happen. They already put Dr. Doom in a love triangle in the first movie, which is just plain stupid. I mean, Dr. Doom was the character George Lucas ripped off to create Darth Vader. He was the original disfigured, masked badass who killed his minions for failure.

I mean, can you imagine Darth Vader in a love triangle? Okay, I guess he kind of was in a love story in the second Star Wars trilogy, but those movies sucked.

So I guess that kind of makes my point.

Whatever the case, I hope to see Galactus being galactic in this sequel, but I bet he'll hardly make an appearance. At least they'll have Jessica Alba running around, so the movie won't be all bad.

By the way, I had a losing Silver Surfer session.

It was a long one. I had 71 spins. 25 of those were wins, but I bled money anyway. I didn't win anything over $4.50. In the end, I lost $50.40.
But I'm still up for these sessions, so John Patrick is still a genius.

Starting Money: $676.91 Ending Money: $626.51

LOSING SESSION

I noticed recently that this blog was mentioned on the forums at http://www.lasvegastalk.com/modules.php?name=Forums.

The subject was Bill Stone and his e-books service at slotmachinemastery.com. It seemed that the regulars over at their message boards were discussing the merits of Bill's system.

There seemed to be a good deal of skepticism at the idea Bill Stone could win $1000 a day on the slot machines. If he could, why would he waste time selling e-books to show others how to do the same thing?

Wouldn't you want to keep your methods secret? That way, the casinos wouldn't know how to counter your strategy. That way, you wouldn't have hundreds and thousands of other gamblers gumming up the works.

I mean, selling these books would create competition for you, and increase the chances casinos would take notice of this avalanche of people winning $1000 a day.

In the middle of the discussion, there was a link to one of my posts about Bill Stone. It was an early post, just after I had bought those e-books, so the post was trying to be open-minded.

I want those people over at Las Vegas Talk to know that since that time, I've become much more familiar with Bill Stone, and I've come out very much against the man. Unequivocally, Bill Stone is a scam artist.

The guy once sent me an ad for how to beat the lottery. He sells books explaining how magic isn't real. Actually, I agree with him on that one, but it's kind of like writing a book to show people that dragons don't exist.

By the way, dragons don't exist. I'm writing an e-book to that effect.

Seriously, though, I have several blog entries about Bill Stone, where I'm being sly and sarcastic about my own opinions. There's one where I wrote something like, "I just got slotmachinemastery.com. I'm going to try this out and let you know. This could be great stuff."

Strangely, I end up getting an email every couple of weeks from random people, where they obviously think this site belongs to Bill Stone, and this blog is shilling his e-books. These people always have a complaint, and want their money back from me.

I guess that one blog entry reads like a clever marketing ploy, especially when these people read my silly "I've made a million dollars playing slots" faux introduction.

So, for all those who might be wondering, I do not recommend Bill Stone's e-books. If he could make a $1,000 a day playing slots, he wouldn't be selling e-books for $49.

It takes time to write e-books...even crappy e-books. It takes time to write web pages as ads for those e-books, and to build websites as a platform for those ads. It takes time to go through credit card information and stiff-arm people wanting their money back.

So if Bill Stone was really clearing those kind of profits without all those hassles, he wouldn't be selling his so-called secrets.

This is the final installment of my Stand and Bet Sessions. Unlike my usual sessions, which I play online, these took place at the Choctaw Casino a few miles outside of Durant, Oklahoma.

Most of my time at the casino, I was playing poker. That was kind of our stated goal at the Choctaw. But I couldn't resist taking time to play some slots, so I decided to play the same number of sessions I would on any standard slots system.

I didn't use an experts' betting system. I just played. Strangely, my new strategy worked.

It's enough to make me wonder if strategy has anything to do with slots, or if winning and losing is just pure luck. Hmmm....

My fifth and final session was on a machine called The Money Tree.

I chose this one because it had a $17,000+ progressive jackpot on it. I thought to myself, "What a perfect end to a perfect day, to win seventeen thousand dollars."

Well, it didn't work out that way. I lost 20 bucks, instead.

So I ended up with five sessions at the Choctaw Casino. I put $100 in the slot machine. I ended up with two winning sessions, totalling $216. That's a $116 profit.

You know what? I'm pretty sure that's the second best set of sessions I've had. That's kickass!

No expert advice. No fancy system. No freaking e-books. I put my money in the machine, and I won.

You know, maybe I should put out my own e-book.

Ok, I'm just being silly now. The fact is, if I went to the Choctaw Casino a whole bunch, I would probably lose money two out of three times I went. On average, I will lose a little bit more than I'm going to win, no matter what betting system or "slots strategy" I use.

Just the same as if I was using some guru's half-brained system.

Starting Money: $20 Ending Money: $0

LOSING SESSION

I'm starting to think this "Stand and Bet" method is the way to go. Of all the betting systems I've tried out over the last year, it's given me the highest win percentage.

Three sessions and two wins. And those aren't crappy $5 wins, either. I'm not grinding out smalling winning sessions, as John Patrick would have me do.

Oh, no. I'm winning eighty and a hundred dollars pretty regularly with the Stand and Bet. It's a license to print money, is really what it is.

For those who need a recap, let me provide.

For the last year, I had been trying out different gambling experts' slot systems, to see which are real and which are really lame. I've had mixed reviews. By that, I mean that I've mixed my money in with all the money online casinos have taken from other poor schmucks.

So recently, I went to Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. I didn't want to use someone else's system, because I didn't want to keep a notebook of my wins and losses while I was walking around the casino. People don't take kindly to that kind of stuff on the Texas-Oklahoma border.

On the spot, I invented my own slots theory, which I dubbed the "Stand and Bet" method. It might be hard for new gamblers to grasp, but it's proven wildly successful for me. Here's the two-step process.

The Stand and Bet System

1. You stand before a slot machine.
2. You bet.

An unofficial third step is to collect your winnings.

If things keep up like this, I might just start selling $50 e-books about how to win at slots.

Of course, I would have to add in a lot of other helpful tips, so my customers wouldn't realize there's not much to my system at all. Here's what I would probably include.

Chuck Flick's $50 E-Book

1. A short bio, where I talk about all the years I've spent gambling and how successful I've been. I wouldn't mention the fact that, if I were that successful at slots, I wouldn't need to be selling e-books. I would mention my success in other fields, which would probably include my original career as a concert cellist and a short stint on the Pro Bowling circuit, and how a degenerative elbow condition cut short both promising careers.

2. Gambling Myths. No doubt, there would be a gambling myths section. I would tell you about the cold slots/hot slots myth, definately taking a strong position one way or another. I could quote from a hundred other "slots myths" pages on the internet. (No need to mention them. Just do a Google search for "slots myths".)

Or I might suggest that hot slots are for real, and show you how to find them in any casino across America. This is probably the stance I would take, because it would show I know more gambling tricks. I might later show people how to catch the Easter Bunny.

3. My System's the Best. The part where I tout my own system, and tell you why everybody else's system sucks. I would probably focus more on other systems, to distract from the fact that mine is actually pretty simple. You know, you could probably spell out my method in one overlong blog post.

4. Money management. Now, this would be the bulk of my e-book. I would go on at length about money management. I would have cool, catchy quotes about this concept. Here's one: If you don't lose all your money at once, you'll have it to lose in the next session.

5. Other Books By Chuck Flick. I would mention my other e-books, so I could reveal that I also give piano lessons. I would highly tout the book where I discuss whether astrology and television psychics are real or not.

The Wheel of Fortune Slots

Anyway, back to Durant, Oklahoma. I put $20 into a Wheel of Fortune Slot Machine, betting $3 a spin.

Wheel of Fortune is where it's at. Pat Sajak and all that kind of good stuff. It's the most popular slot machine in history, put out by IGT, the leader in slots.

You might notice I'm real effusive in my praise of Wheel of Fortune, because I won $78 on the machine. I hit one jackpot for over a hundred bucks, and cashed out a $98 ticket. Factor in my twenty dollar bill, and I won nearly eighty dollars this session.

I never won eighty dollars two out of three sessions using John Patrick's advice. I never won that much using Bill Stone's advice, though that's mostly because I couldn't find much advice to take out of the Bill Stone e-books.

Certainly not as much as my book would have.

Starting Money: $20 Ending Money: $98

WINNING SESSION